Vipassana

Day one:
Day two: Time to run
Day three:
Day four: So much energy! How to sit still? How to concentrate?!
Day five: Pain is gone. Where? Who cares!
Day six:

Day seven:

Day eight: What has happened? Where has my concentration gone?

Day nine:

Day ten: GOoooonggggg! The serious meditation was over. The time to heal had arrived. The morning session...

The teachers left and the old students soon followed. Slowly, the new students also left the room and as I sat I begun to hear voices in the dining hall. A general hubbub was beginning. I sat a while longer observing the guy two seats in front of me. He also seemed hesitant to move. Goenka had said the course would complete at 8 and I had wrongly assumed he meant that night. We waited and soon myself and one other girl were all that remained. I decided to make a move and see what was going on. Had it really finished? It suddenly seemed so short.

On entering the dining hall I quickly took in the situation and it was all too clear communication was once more allowed. Only it was not what I was after. I wandered over to grab a drink and met Jo and Mischa. They smiled and said how I would need to remember how to talk. I made some non affirmative grunt, felt bad and quickly said, "No, it is all just so sudden". I then took tail and ran.

Outside. Into the open. People seemed to be pairing up. One other student also wandered alone. I moved to sit in the sun. To think? And so I sat for the next hour perhaps. On the verge of tears throughout. One of the servers came to say hello and I appreciated that. He was one who I had noticed always seemed to help out of true wanting. Never looked to be in a rush or that he had the want of being somewhere else, doing something else.

Why did I want to cry or feel like I could? I don´t honestly know. Not yet. Tears would come to my eyes. I think perhaps I was overwhelmed. And everyone else seemed so happy. Why did I not share their joy? Had I not managed the same during the course? And yet a part of me knew I had managed so much. Perhaps it was a fear this change would once more be lost to me? I had been here before and knew how hard it would be to keep it up in the real world.

And so I sat. Alone.

Soon the gong rung for breakfast and I followed. I spoke during breakfast, regretted it soon after - again, not truly sure why but was probably still trying to get my own mind sorted out - and then I retreated to my room to sit alone and think some more.

Talking tires you out.

Day eleven: Awoken at 4 once more knowing it was the last time not by choice. The two hours meditation had changed to a 45 minute session with an hours discourse afterwards. Here Goenka explained how to continue the practice in everyday life and emphasised how important it was to continue to practice mediation. - Was this one reason I lost the results from Tushita? - Two one hour sessions would be required each day. One morning, one evening. And throughout the day, continue to practice compassion, spend time observing sensations and meditate some more if you find opportunity.

At 8am the discourse was concluded.

I still felt a little offset when we left the course. I still had tears near the surface. I still felt sadder than when I had arrived.

Then in the tram when we had reached Karlsruhe, no, earlier. In one of the cars with one of the lifts. I cannot remember which. Only that I suddenly found I was full of happiness. More so than I had reason to be. And as the night progressed, so did the feeling. I soon caught myself wanting to laugh each time my eyes caught anothers. I would watch as wonder replaced the fear that first entered their eyes as they realised my smile was sincere and not judging. They would soon smile themselves and perhaps they wondered why?

The feeling Goenka had spoken of had arrived. I think also that I did not the almost artificial feeling, the over emphasis, the exageration of the happiness some others from the course were almost crying out that they felt. Perhaps it was just slower for me to come to terms with. Or perhaps I just needed the sharing with Jo, the talking once more to get the thoughts out, to get some help in deciphering them.

Whatever the reason, it does not, did not and I think will not, ever truly matter. I am happy. This is where it begins to count.