When I was about twenty I constructed a list. A list of all the reasons my life was so good. A list of the ten best things in my life. Ten reasons why I should be content. It ran as follows:
1) I have thousands of dollars in my bank
2) I have all the material objects I want (snowboard, stereo, clothes, bike etc. and could get all the others I wanted)
3) I hold an ´A´ grade average
4) I have represented my country in a sport
5) I have a nice girlfriend
6) I have a good circle of friends
7) I have a loving family
8) I have a good body (health wise)
9) ...
10) ...
I thought I was looking at the reasons I was happy. I think, in hindsight, that really I was searching for the reason why I was miserable. Because I was. I see that now. I knew it then but would not admit it. In fact, that same day I went on to write a list of three things I could have that would make my life even better. For now, all three of these things are forgotten. But they were trivial. Of that I am fairly certain.
And now I look back I can analyse why I was sad. Was it something I had?
Viewed with the old mindset: My money? Does this make me sad? No, this allows me to have financial security and be able to buy whatever I want when I want it. My snowbaord, bike, stereo and other material objects? Nope. These allow me to escape sadness if and when it comes. I can use these things to make myself happy. My grades? I like knowing I am smart. And having others know I am smart. This does not make me sad. And having represented NZ at finnswimming holds the same appeal. My girlfriend? Martha is awesome. Makes me laugh and smile and feel successful on a different plane. I like the feeling of having a girlfriend. My friends? These are my friends. Like material objects, when I am sad, they help make me happy. They help entertain me and provide companionship. My family loves me unconditionally. How could unconditional love create sadness? It wouldn´t. Knowing my body? Knowing I can run, swim, jump or do whatever I want, whenever I want. I love this feeling! The freedom it brings to me.
So no, it isn´t something I have that is making me sad. It must be something I don´t have. But what don´t I have?
Now viewed today: The money - I had greed. I knew it by name alone back then. Now I know it´s face. I had greed. I had money but always wanted more. I had material objects but again, I always wanted more or better. I could buy them if I wanted them but, as said, I knew greed and was tight with money. The grade average. I didn´t really care what my grades were. They brought me no happiness or feelings of joy. Only frustration and pain to get them. Or sadness if they weren´t high enough in my eyes. Or even jelousy if I saw another´s were higher. My grades were a pressure on myself I created in an attempt to polish my ego in the view of others. I wanted others to think I was smart. I knew, and still know, what I am. Sport – I never felt I did well. I don´t hold that trip to Mexico as something special in my eyes. I swam. A lot. So what? Pleasure of pride? That never truly existed as I always felt a fraud. Perhaps I was too hard on myself. I did do a lot to get there. And yet it felt so fake. Like I was never really wanting it for myself. Girlfriend? A hard one. I liked her. She was great. But I was still searching for I know not what. Martha was all I wanted in a way and yet I craved more. Friends? Family? Both come and go. Both I wanted from in return. I gave to receive. Setting myself up for saddness if the return was not there. Body? The constant worry it would be lost. Pimples, haircuts, pointless little irrelvances that I held so dare and cared so much about. So vain. Not of looks but in a quest to find some or hide my flaws from others.
So it wasn´t something I had that was making me sad. I was right there. It was in fact EVERYTHING I had that was making me sad. What happiness these things could have brought was lost as I viewed them all in the wrong light.
And as I reread this I notice I used to think in terms of ´my´and ´mine´and now I look at these things as objects.
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