When I was about twenty I constructed a list. A list of all the reasons my life was so good. A list of the ten best things in my life. Ten reasons why I should be content. It ran as follows:
1) I have thousands of dollars in my bank
2) I have all the material objects I want (snowboard, stereo, clothes, bike etc. and could get all the others I wanted)
3) I hold an ´A´ grade average
4) I have represented my country in a sport
5) I have a nice girlfriend
6) I have a good circle of friends
7) I have a loving family
8) I have a good body (health wise)
9) ...
10) ...
I thought I was looking at the reasons I was happy. I think, in hindsight, that really I was searching for the reason why I was miserable. Because I was. I see that now. I knew it then but would not admit it. In fact, that same day I went on to write a list of three things I could have that would make my life even better. For now, all three of these things are forgotten. But they were trivial. Of that I am fairly certain.
And now I look back I can analyse why I was sad. Was it something I had?
Viewed with the old mindset: My money? Does this make me sad? No, this allows me to have financial security and be able to buy whatever I want when I want it. My snowbaord, bike, stereo and other material objects? Nope. These allow me to escape sadness if and when it comes. I can use these things to make myself happy. My grades? I like knowing I am smart. And having others know I am smart. This does not make me sad. And having represented NZ at finnswimming holds the same appeal. My girlfriend? Martha is awesome. Makes me laugh and smile and feel successful on a different plane. I like the feeling of having a girlfriend. My friends? These are my friends. Like material objects, when I am sad, they help make me happy. They help entertain me and provide companionship. My family loves me unconditionally. How could unconditional love create sadness? It wouldn´t. Knowing my body? Knowing I can run, swim, jump or do whatever I want, whenever I want. I love this feeling! The freedom it brings to me.
So no, it isn´t something I have that is making me sad. It must be something I don´t have. But what don´t I have?
Now viewed today: The money - I had greed. I knew it by name alone back then. Now I know it´s face. I had greed. I had money but always wanted more. I had material objects but again, I always wanted more or better. I could buy them if I wanted them but, as said, I knew greed and was tight with money. The grade average. I didn´t really care what my grades were. They brought me no happiness or feelings of joy. Only frustration and pain to get them. Or sadness if they weren´t high enough in my eyes. Or even jelousy if I saw another´s were higher. My grades were a pressure on myself I created in an attempt to polish my ego in the view of others. I wanted others to think I was smart. I knew, and still know, what I am. Sport – I never felt I did well. I don´t hold that trip to Mexico as something special in my eyes. I swam. A lot. So what? Pleasure of pride? That never truly existed as I always felt a fraud. Perhaps I was too hard on myself. I did do a lot to get there. And yet it felt so fake. Like I was never really wanting it for myself. Girlfriend? A hard one. I liked her. She was great. But I was still searching for I know not what. Martha was all I wanted in a way and yet I craved more. Friends? Family? Both come and go. Both I wanted from in return. I gave to receive. Setting myself up for saddness if the return was not there. Body? The constant worry it would be lost. Pimples, haircuts, pointless little irrelvances that I held so dare and cared so much about. So vain. Not of looks but in a quest to find some or hide my flaws from others.
So it wasn´t something I had that was making me sad. I was right there. It was in fact EVERYTHING I had that was making me sad. What happiness these things could have brought was lost as I viewed them all in the wrong light.
And as I reread this I notice I used to think in terms of ´my´and ´mine´and now I look at these things as objects.
Nov 9, 2008
Blinded by the light
It is the end of day 8 of the vipassana course. For me, the day has not gone well. My mind has wandered and the sensations were blind or cloudy at best. Thankfully, it is now time for the discourse. The hour where Goenka explains and reaffirms what we are doing and why we are doing it. Provides the encouragement needed to face the coming days. And this was one discourse I was to find would hold a lot of meaning for me.
He begins with a story. A quote from Gotema (Buddha). It goes:
“There are four kinds of people in this world. Those running from darkness into darkness. Those running from darkness into light. Those running from light into darkness and those who run from light into light.”
Buddha always realised that his words would be read into and so he always explained his meaning when his stories were over in terms all would understand. Here is the meaning of the above passage:
Those people who have bad lives, miserable lives, are living in darkness. People who steal, kill, lie, crave and live without dhamma. And if they continue to live this way, when they continue to steal and lie then they continue to run into darkness. Their lives will continue to be miserable and full of saddness.
Then there are those people who have had bad lives, miserable lives, lives without dhamma but who have begun to change. Who are now leading dhamma lives. These people are running towards the light. Towards enlightment. Good things are coming towards these people.
There are others still who already have great lives. All the money, food, pleasures and so forth that they could want have been there. These people have had good karma in the past and it is playing out for them now. But if they begin to lead non-dharma lives, these people will begin to lose this lifestyle. They will crave, begin to steal and lie and so begin to run towards the darkness, towards a life of misery.
The final set of people also have a great life. They have all they need and are happy. They are content with what they have. They continue to enjoy this life and work hard to keep it without using lies and deceit. These people continue to run, to live, in the light and the happiness remains.
Luck? Good past karma catching up with me? Or had I actually earnt it in the present? For whatever reason, I have had a good life. A priveledged life. I have been living in the light. I´ve never gone hungry, been cold or been without a roof over my head except by choice. I´ve never truly wanted for anything in life and yet when I look back I can see I´ve been wanting in happiness. I have been running from the light.
With all the good in my life I have still managed to do bad things. I have stolen, killed, lied and made wrong speech. These things have lead me into darkness. And I have been sad. I had not admitted it to myself and many of us never do I think. I was not depressed as the term goes but sad? Yes, a lot of the time I was sad.
I was off the path.
For me Vipassana was like finding the path once more. And finding a means of not becoming lost again. Think of a path in the darkness. When it is dark it is impossible to follow the path as the way is not clear. You may begin on the path but in the darkness you quickly step off it and so leave it behind. So it was for me. I would then try and refind the path, refind the happiness using different means to light my way.
Drugs. Taking drugs often makes you happy. But the feeling is impermanent. Taking a drug is like lighting a bonfire next to the path. All of sudden the path is so clear in front of you. You can see once more the right way to reach true happiness. And so you begin to walk in the right direction again. Only the further you walk the less bright the light from the bonfire becomes. The less clear the path becomes. And so you use more drugs. Throw more fuel onto the fire. It gorws and the light becomes even brighter but still, it runs out eventually and you are once more lost in the darkness.
Money and material objects. These offer a more long lasting form of ´happiness´for some. This is like taking a branch from the fire and using it as a torch to follow the path. You will get a lot further and see the path much more clearly but as with the drugs, this too will fade. The joy will pass and you will find yourself either wandering lost again or going back to the fire to get another torch (seeking more material objects). And so you will again begin the futile run up the path with your impermanent torch of happiness.
Vipassana provides a means to light the path permanently. It is like receiving one of those wind up dynamic torches. You can use this torch to follow the Dhamma path as far as it goes. The path to true happiness. As long as you wind the handle, the torch will continue to provide you with the light to find your way. If you get lazy and stop winding, the light will fade and you will become lost once more. But now that you have the torch, whenever you begin to wind it again, you will once more be able to find the path. You will never lose this. Winding the torch is synnonamous with following Vipassana. Continuing to follow the five precepts, meditating morning and night and sharing what good you can with others. As long as you continue to do these things you are continuing to wind the torch.
And when you look into it. Who doesn´t want to follow the path? Where is the difficulty? What is wrong with the precepts for instance? Abstain from stealing? We can all see the sense in this. No sexual misconduct? This is not abstinance we are talking about, this is sex without consent or understanding. Wrong speech. To tell no lies. Hard to achieve but again, when you think about it, why do we need to be told? No intoxicants. Again, hard, but in the long term, if we are happy, drugs are not needed and I have seen the damage they do. To abstain from killing any sentient being? Life is life in any form. Who are we to end it? Play god?
And yet I want to say, I do not follow these five explicitly. For me I begin where I can and believe just being aware is a start. The idea that it is the thought that counts holds true in my eyes. If you tell a lie but only to reduce anothers suffering is it really so wrong? To kill to put an animal out of pain? To steal to survive? I do not know the answers yet. I am just beginning the long walk down the path. But as long as you think each time you act, remain aware of the reasoning behind your actions, that at least is a start. With time you can make your own mind up on each of the five.
As Buddha always said,
“Do not believe anything I say because I have said it. Believe it only once you have experienced it yourself”
He begins with a story. A quote from Gotema (Buddha). It goes:
“There are four kinds of people in this world. Those running from darkness into darkness. Those running from darkness into light. Those running from light into darkness and those who run from light into light.”
Buddha always realised that his words would be read into and so he always explained his meaning when his stories were over in terms all would understand. Here is the meaning of the above passage:
Those people who have bad lives, miserable lives, are living in darkness. People who steal, kill, lie, crave and live without dhamma. And if they continue to live this way, when they continue to steal and lie then they continue to run into darkness. Their lives will continue to be miserable and full of saddness.
Then there are those people who have had bad lives, miserable lives, lives without dhamma but who have begun to change. Who are now leading dhamma lives. These people are running towards the light. Towards enlightment. Good things are coming towards these people.
There are others still who already have great lives. All the money, food, pleasures and so forth that they could want have been there. These people have had good karma in the past and it is playing out for them now. But if they begin to lead non-dharma lives, these people will begin to lose this lifestyle. They will crave, begin to steal and lie and so begin to run towards the darkness, towards a life of misery.
The final set of people also have a great life. They have all they need and are happy. They are content with what they have. They continue to enjoy this life and work hard to keep it without using lies and deceit. These people continue to run, to live, in the light and the happiness remains.
Luck? Good past karma catching up with me? Or had I actually earnt it in the present? For whatever reason, I have had a good life. A priveledged life. I have been living in the light. I´ve never gone hungry, been cold or been without a roof over my head except by choice. I´ve never truly wanted for anything in life and yet when I look back I can see I´ve been wanting in happiness. I have been running from the light.
With all the good in my life I have still managed to do bad things. I have stolen, killed, lied and made wrong speech. These things have lead me into darkness. And I have been sad. I had not admitted it to myself and many of us never do I think. I was not depressed as the term goes but sad? Yes, a lot of the time I was sad.
I was off the path.
For me Vipassana was like finding the path once more. And finding a means of not becoming lost again. Think of a path in the darkness. When it is dark it is impossible to follow the path as the way is not clear. You may begin on the path but in the darkness you quickly step off it and so leave it behind. So it was for me. I would then try and refind the path, refind the happiness using different means to light my way.
Drugs. Taking drugs often makes you happy. But the feeling is impermanent. Taking a drug is like lighting a bonfire next to the path. All of sudden the path is so clear in front of you. You can see once more the right way to reach true happiness. And so you begin to walk in the right direction again. Only the further you walk the less bright the light from the bonfire becomes. The less clear the path becomes. And so you use more drugs. Throw more fuel onto the fire. It gorws and the light becomes even brighter but still, it runs out eventually and you are once more lost in the darkness.
Money and material objects. These offer a more long lasting form of ´happiness´for some. This is like taking a branch from the fire and using it as a torch to follow the path. You will get a lot further and see the path much more clearly but as with the drugs, this too will fade. The joy will pass and you will find yourself either wandering lost again or going back to the fire to get another torch (seeking more material objects). And so you will again begin the futile run up the path with your impermanent torch of happiness.
Vipassana provides a means to light the path permanently. It is like receiving one of those wind up dynamic torches. You can use this torch to follow the Dhamma path as far as it goes. The path to true happiness. As long as you wind the handle, the torch will continue to provide you with the light to find your way. If you get lazy and stop winding, the light will fade and you will become lost once more. But now that you have the torch, whenever you begin to wind it again, you will once more be able to find the path. You will never lose this. Winding the torch is synnonamous with following Vipassana. Continuing to follow the five precepts, meditating morning and night and sharing what good you can with others. As long as you continue to do these things you are continuing to wind the torch.
And when you look into it. Who doesn´t want to follow the path? Where is the difficulty? What is wrong with the precepts for instance? Abstain from stealing? We can all see the sense in this. No sexual misconduct? This is not abstinance we are talking about, this is sex without consent or understanding. Wrong speech. To tell no lies. Hard to achieve but again, when you think about it, why do we need to be told? No intoxicants. Again, hard, but in the long term, if we are happy, drugs are not needed and I have seen the damage they do. To abstain from killing any sentient being? Life is life in any form. Who are we to end it? Play god?
And yet I want to say, I do not follow these five explicitly. For me I begin where I can and believe just being aware is a start. The idea that it is the thought that counts holds true in my eyes. If you tell a lie but only to reduce anothers suffering is it really so wrong? To kill to put an animal out of pain? To steal to survive? I do not know the answers yet. I am just beginning the long walk down the path. But as long as you think each time you act, remain aware of the reasoning behind your actions, that at least is a start. With time you can make your own mind up on each of the five.
As Buddha always said,
“Do not believe anything I say because I have said it. Believe it only once you have experienced it yourself”
Dhamma
Dhamma is viewed as a path to be travelled. It is a long path and takes a strong determination to reach it´s end. It is very easy to be mislead and to begin to wander aimlessly. Many do not even know the way exists. When you become aware of Dhamma, this is like becoming aware of the path. Beginning to follow Dhamma is like taking the first step. This is a great success. Vipassana is a way to remain on the right path. To remind yourself of why you are following this route and to help others become aware of it. It is the path, the only path, to true happiness. It is the only way to reach true enlightenment.
I look at it this way. I was always trying to get to true happiness. I knew it was there, We all know it is there. There are times as a kid when we are completely in the moment. Living in the present. So happy and free. Then we discover money and sex and ambition and cravings and we begin to lose this feeling. These moments of true happiness come less and less often. And so it was for me. I was switching from path to path, chasing this past feeling. Trying to find where this feeling lay. Trying to find a path that would take me back. I tried all sorts of different routes. One marked ´DRUGS´, one marked ´MONEY´, one marked ´RELATIONSHIPS´, one marked ´FAME´. All sorts. And on one of my wanderings, when I was in search of a new path, I came across a sign marked ´DHAMMA´. This was in India. And so I followed it for a bit and found I liked it. But I also liked what I saw on the other paths and I soon found myself drifting off down one of these again. These other paths are nice but lead away from true happiness. What they offer does not last. The happiness is momentary. Sometimes they bring you close, so close, if only momentarily to true happiness, but if you continue to follow them you will find that they will never reach the final goal. That is not their final destination.
While on the Dhamma path I heard of Vipassana. And even as I wandered off from the Dhamma path, I had at least learnt of its existance. It took a year for me to rediscover it once I had lost my way but in Switzerland it happened. I took a course and refound my way. For now at least, I am back on the right path. I step off it on occasion but now, with my growing awareness, I am able to sense the loss and so work to get back on track before I travel to far from it and lose my way in darkness once more.
I look at it this way. I was always trying to get to true happiness. I knew it was there, We all know it is there. There are times as a kid when we are completely in the moment. Living in the present. So happy and free. Then we discover money and sex and ambition and cravings and we begin to lose this feeling. These moments of true happiness come less and less often. And so it was for me. I was switching from path to path, chasing this past feeling. Trying to find where this feeling lay. Trying to find a path that would take me back. I tried all sorts of different routes. One marked ´DRUGS´, one marked ´MONEY´, one marked ´RELATIONSHIPS´, one marked ´FAME´. All sorts. And on one of my wanderings, when I was in search of a new path, I came across a sign marked ´DHAMMA´. This was in India. And so I followed it for a bit and found I liked it. But I also liked what I saw on the other paths and I soon found myself drifting off down one of these again. These other paths are nice but lead away from true happiness. What they offer does not last. The happiness is momentary. Sometimes they bring you close, so close, if only momentarily to true happiness, but if you continue to follow them you will find that they will never reach the final goal. That is not their final destination.
While on the Dhamma path I heard of Vipassana. And even as I wandered off from the Dhamma path, I had at least learnt of its existance. It took a year for me to rediscover it once I had lost my way but in Switzerland it happened. I took a course and refound my way. For now at least, I am back on the right path. I step off it on occasion but now, with my growing awareness, I am able to sense the loss and so work to get back on track before I travel to far from it and lose my way in darkness once more.
Vipassana
Day one:
Day two: Time to run
Day three:
Day four: So much energy! How to sit still? How to concentrate?!
Day five: Pain is gone. Where? Who cares!
Day six:
Day seven:
Day eight: What has happened? Where has my concentration gone?
Day nine:
Day ten: GOoooonggggg! The serious meditation was over. The time to heal had arrived. The morning session...
The teachers left and the old students soon followed. Slowly, the new students also left the room and as I sat I begun to hear voices in the dining hall. A general hubbub was beginning. I sat a while longer observing the guy two seats in front of me. He also seemed hesitant to move. Goenka had said the course would complete at 8 and I had wrongly assumed he meant that night. We waited and soon myself and one other girl were all that remained. I decided to make a move and see what was going on. Had it really finished? It suddenly seemed so short.
On entering the dining hall I quickly took in the situation and it was all too clear communication was once more allowed. Only it was not what I was after. I wandered over to grab a drink and met Jo and Mischa. They smiled and said how I would need to remember how to talk. I made some non affirmative grunt, felt bad and quickly said, "No, it is all just so sudden". I then took tail and ran.
Outside. Into the open. People seemed to be pairing up. One other student also wandered alone. I moved to sit in the sun. To think? And so I sat for the next hour perhaps. On the verge of tears throughout. One of the servers came to say hello and I appreciated that. He was one who I had noticed always seemed to help out of true wanting. Never looked to be in a rush or that he had the want of being somewhere else, doing something else.
Why did I want to cry or feel like I could? I don´t honestly know. Not yet. Tears would come to my eyes. I think perhaps I was overwhelmed. And everyone else seemed so happy. Why did I not share their joy? Had I not managed the same during the course? And yet a part of me knew I had managed so much. Perhaps it was a fear this change would once more be lost to me? I had been here before and knew how hard it would be to keep it up in the real world.
And so I sat. Alone.
Soon the gong rung for breakfast and I followed. I spoke during breakfast, regretted it soon after - again, not truly sure why but was probably still trying to get my own mind sorted out - and then I retreated to my room to sit alone and think some more.
Talking tires you out.
Day eleven: Awoken at 4 once more knowing it was the last time not by choice. The two hours meditation had changed to a 45 minute session with an hours discourse afterwards. Here Goenka explained how to continue the practice in everyday life and emphasised how important it was to continue to practice mediation. - Was this one reason I lost the results from Tushita? - Two one hour sessions would be required each day. One morning, one evening. And throughout the day, continue to practice compassion, spend time observing sensations and meditate some more if you find opportunity.
At 8am the discourse was concluded.
I still felt a little offset when we left the course. I still had tears near the surface. I still felt sadder than when I had arrived.
Then in the tram when we had reached Karlsruhe, no, earlier. In one of the cars with one of the lifts. I cannot remember which. Only that I suddenly found I was full of happiness. More so than I had reason to be. And as the night progressed, so did the feeling. I soon caught myself wanting to laugh each time my eyes caught anothers. I would watch as wonder replaced the fear that first entered their eyes as they realised my smile was sincere and not judging. They would soon smile themselves and perhaps they wondered why?
The feeling Goenka had spoken of had arrived. I think also that I did not the almost artificial feeling, the over emphasis, the exageration of the happiness some others from the course were almost crying out that they felt. Perhaps it was just slower for me to come to terms with. Or perhaps I just needed the sharing with Jo, the talking once more to get the thoughts out, to get some help in deciphering them.
Whatever the reason, it does not, did not and I think will not, ever truly matter. I am happy. This is where it begins to count.
Day two: Time to run
Day three:
Day four: So much energy! How to sit still? How to concentrate?!
Day five: Pain is gone. Where? Who cares!
Day six:
Day seven:
Day eight: What has happened? Where has my concentration gone?
Day nine:
Day ten: GOoooonggggg! The serious meditation was over. The time to heal had arrived. The morning session...
The teachers left and the old students soon followed. Slowly, the new students also left the room and as I sat I begun to hear voices in the dining hall. A general hubbub was beginning. I sat a while longer observing the guy two seats in front of me. He also seemed hesitant to move. Goenka had said the course would complete at 8 and I had wrongly assumed he meant that night. We waited and soon myself and one other girl were all that remained. I decided to make a move and see what was going on. Had it really finished? It suddenly seemed so short.
On entering the dining hall I quickly took in the situation and it was all too clear communication was once more allowed. Only it was not what I was after. I wandered over to grab a drink and met Jo and Mischa. They smiled and said how I would need to remember how to talk. I made some non affirmative grunt, felt bad and quickly said, "No, it is all just so sudden". I then took tail and ran.
Outside. Into the open. People seemed to be pairing up. One other student also wandered alone. I moved to sit in the sun. To think? And so I sat for the next hour perhaps. On the verge of tears throughout. One of the servers came to say hello and I appreciated that. He was one who I had noticed always seemed to help out of true wanting. Never looked to be in a rush or that he had the want of being somewhere else, doing something else.
Why did I want to cry or feel like I could? I don´t honestly know. Not yet. Tears would come to my eyes. I think perhaps I was overwhelmed. And everyone else seemed so happy. Why did I not share their joy? Had I not managed the same during the course? And yet a part of me knew I had managed so much. Perhaps it was a fear this change would once more be lost to me? I had been here before and knew how hard it would be to keep it up in the real world.
And so I sat. Alone.
Soon the gong rung for breakfast and I followed. I spoke during breakfast, regretted it soon after - again, not truly sure why but was probably still trying to get my own mind sorted out - and then I retreated to my room to sit alone and think some more.
Talking tires you out.
Day eleven: Awoken at 4 once more knowing it was the last time not by choice. The two hours meditation had changed to a 45 minute session with an hours discourse afterwards. Here Goenka explained how to continue the practice in everyday life and emphasised how important it was to continue to practice mediation. - Was this one reason I lost the results from Tushita? - Two one hour sessions would be required each day. One morning, one evening. And throughout the day, continue to practice compassion, spend time observing sensations and meditate some more if you find opportunity.
At 8am the discourse was concluded.
I still felt a little offset when we left the course. I still had tears near the surface. I still felt sadder than when I had arrived.
Then in the tram when we had reached Karlsruhe, no, earlier. In one of the cars with one of the lifts. I cannot remember which. Only that I suddenly found I was full of happiness. More so than I had reason to be. And as the night progressed, so did the feeling. I soon caught myself wanting to laugh each time my eyes caught anothers. I would watch as wonder replaced the fear that first entered their eyes as they realised my smile was sincere and not judging. They would soon smile themselves and perhaps they wondered why?
The feeling Goenka had spoken of had arrived. I think also that I did not the almost artificial feeling, the over emphasis, the exageration of the happiness some others from the course were almost crying out that they felt. Perhaps it was just slower for me to come to terms with. Or perhaps I just needed the sharing with Jo, the talking once more to get the thoughts out, to get some help in deciphering them.
Whatever the reason, it does not, did not and I think will not, ever truly matter. I am happy. This is where it begins to count.
Oct 14, 2008
Visiting Lucy...
It began with a cat.
Perfect love, perfect acceptance.
It ended alone. Crawling between realities. Hoping, that in exhaustion, I would crumple finally back into the beginning.
________________________________________________________________________________
It truly is a trip. A trip like no other. Or actually, a little like mushrooms. But not a tourist trip or a world trip like the one I am on now. It is a mind trip. A trip to new worlds completely.
I took half a tab. An hour passed and my patience ran out and my confidence grew. I wasn´t freaking or hardly even feeling it.
So I took the other half.
I wanted it good. Not just good good, I wanted the trip to be really good..
When it hit, looking back, I see my usual arrogance and impatience in action...
Fighting against nothing. Still I lost. Clawing my way back to reality. But which reality? More than one reality? 12 dimensional. Woah! Gone again. Lost as laughter overtook my life.
Lying back, laughing. Hysterical. Tears streaming down my face, mouth not able to close. Then BAM! “Woah!” and I was ´back´. I would try to stay. For just a moment. To tell Sam and Jo... something? Something important!?
Something important I must say. Then the laughter would come. I would see it approaching and this is what would make it come. My acknowledgement would speed it up. I would try to ignore it but my subconcious would focus on it and it would fly. I´d know that what I had to say would not, could not, be said. And if I could say this one thing. This one single thing then all would be right in the world. All would be happy.
“So close”, “I know”
Grabbing my sleeping bag to help hold me up. Help fight the nothing that seemed determined to pull me, push me, wrestle me, back to where I had come from. I´d try to ground myself. On what? What was permenant? “Focus on the stove” Sam suggested. Mahahah, like that is permenant! Nothing is permenant. Nothing! Realisation would hit. Then I would begin to fall. I would fight it. Fight is so hard. Then I´d remember I´d been here before. Would be here again in the future. Why fight it? In 3 seconds I´d be in a different world/reality anyway. And so I would let go.
Falling. Drifting. Laughing.
Am I laughing or crying? Living or dying?
So many realities. When to stop in one? How to stop in one? Which one to stop in?
Each deep thought would fling me far off to somewhere new. As Sam said, it was like I was a really old computer being asked to carry out calculations too advanced for my system. I would overload. Lose touch and be gone from the world until... until I was back?
Jo recorded me. Caught him out. Dropped me to a mellow brown level where talk was heavy. Hard to get out. Every thing was dark. Earth colours. Wet earth.
The lights. The dome. The lizards each white line of stiching became. Long white fast lizards. The patches of mould that danced. The fabric that pulsed.
The beat in the background. A rythym. A message. It was there for all to hear. Everywhere. I just had to take the time to look.
Where am I running to? Is acid running or the first time I bother to stop? Stay in the shallows?
Blue spots everywhere. Blue light, streaks. Coming out, shooting out from the purple ganja plant. Snapping a piece of to snap on occasion kept me sane. The light from the moon. Waves coming out in patterns. Like the scout symbol but flowing out in the millions.
Sam and Jo ask me to decribe what is going on. How? How to share? How to describe Heaven? How to describe Hell? So many emotions would pass through me. Every emotion ever felt would pass through me in seconds. Three secondas that would leave me exhausted like hours had passed. Am I crying or laughing? I describe 1mm of an infinite facade. The corner of one small tile in the endless mosaic of life.
Maybe to write it?
Me: So much effort for such a little thing.
Jo: What are you doing?
Sam: He´s trying to write
Jo: Don´t write there, it´s already written on
Me: Stop reading what I am writing!
Jo: I can´t read it from here!
Me: Don´t read what I´m writing! (Laughing all the while)
Jo: I can´t even see it!
Me: I can see you reading it!
Jo: Oh my god (In exasperation)
Ate some choc. Too big. Spat it out. Size of a pea became the size of a watermelon in my mouth.
Tea that lasts forever. I had to tip it out. Salty digestive - also too big!
Watched my hands. And then Bham! Gone again. Watching hands that take forever to catch up. I´d wave them in front of my face and it was like watching hands pass over a shadow. Like looking at them through a wall made of horizontal slates of wood. The hands would pass behind them so you´d only see them at times. Then I could see all the bones within. I could make 20, no 30, of my hands appear in this form in front of me, slowly chasing the final product to combine once more. And I would tell myself to just be normal. Make my hands normal! Nope. Doesn´t matter. This is how I see my hands. I cannot slow it. Only wish the others were here to see it all too.
Then the acid hit. The colours, the shapes, the patterns, the action.
Crying or laughing?
Then the acid hit.
Crying or laughing?
There are two zones. Funky colours and lights zone. Or funky brain zone.
Playing in the shallows or diving into the deep end.
I´d snap out. Tell the others I didn´t know if I would recommend or not. Visiting the worlds I was in. The things I was seeing. The thoughts I was having.
Hell yes I would recommend it! It´s so good! And then I would cry...
The moment I stop speaking I can hear the beginning of what I said.
The only way to escape is for everything around to be lost. Only through becoming lost could I ever be found.
Do I choose to return from this ´crazy´? Is not to be given the choice in the first place crazy?
If you are everywhere and nowhere, are you somewhere?
Which reality? Who`s reality?
What if you corrupt your own reality?
If you cannot remember being sober. If you cannot remember being sane. How can you ever return? Or know that you have returned once you arrive? You could pass it by in your ignorance and keep on searching for all eternity.
When noone speaks reality can be found. But which? Groundhog day. Knowing the life thought will pass. Then not knowing if it would ever end? Or did it just begin? If I stop talking I will think. Then I will have to enter reality. But what is reality? To talk is to avoid. And maybe I don´t want to re-enter? In fact, I remember saying at one stage how I did not want to ´wake up´ to reality again.
How many times will I go here?
Where is reality?
You call this falling asleep to a dream. I call this awakening to reality.
Switch the concepts around.
Forever
Wherever
Always for me a small white speck back there. At the end of infinity. Keeping me from joining the crazies. To snap out of it and then sink back again. Still knowing the other state exists but knowing I could not return by choice. Phycotic? I knew that it was all in my mind. Will always all be in my mind. I am creating it. No one else may enter. No one else can control. (Later thought – hypnosis. Does it enter this rhealm?).
When the world began to spin and reality begun to be flung far from reach. As I sat up with a “Woah!” and attempted to grab on to this reality. As I watched it exist, felt it exist and then knew it to be sliding away, I also realised some people just never return. They slide on forever. Lost to us.
Jo´s sleeping was a grounding point. That he slept and had been awake showed time had passed. Showed there was a time existance somewhere. Whether I would ever return was now the question.
Towards the end of the night, as the others drifted off to sleep, I found friendship in the pen. I began to try and record the thoughts going through my mind. Try before the acid would come to take me back to crazy world.
Scribblings keep the mind sane. Show evidence of a past. Potential for a future.
The existance of these scribblings again allowed me to know that on some level time was passing.
And always the important message I want to, have to, get across to the others. To say the one concept. And yet to know it is lost. The fight, lost before it has even begun. It ended with me finally sinking back. Letting the crazy win. “The crazy always wins” Sam said. And as I slipped out of it for the last time, I whispered, or more gasped out, that this time the message would have to remain unsaid. It was for someone else to tell perhaps. Not mine this time. And then crazy.
To laugh or to cry? Is there a difference?
We all need better seats to watch the man who is waiting for the start of the show of life to begin. He sits, seat bound, arms crossed, in wait for the beginning of the creation of a reality that will never be. We run in mobs to grab seats in his arms, his legs, his head, his everywhere. We join him in staring out of skinless windows at the show about to begin. We wait to watch him. He waits to watch us.
Oct 11, 2008
Goodbye... again
Last night in Beneficio. Again. Winds are still whipping up an absolute storm too. Roofs being lost, trees coming down and a sky murky with dust.
Tomorrow I will head off early morning with Jo by bus to Granada. From there it is just over 500kms to Valencia hitching. Then my plane is the next day at 1pm. Bit late to organise a couch surfer so a night at the airport it could be (o:
All going well, my next entry will be from the land of chocolate and cheese...
Tomorrow I will head off early morning with Jo by bus to Granada. From there it is just over 500kms to Valencia hitching. Then my plane is the next day at 1pm. Bit late to organise a couch surfer so a night at the airport it could be (o:
All going well, my next entry will be from the land of chocolate and cheese...
Oct 9, 2008
Beneficio once more
Booked my flight to Switzerland for the 13th. I fly into Basel at 3pm and there I will stay with a CS'er Florian. A city ambassador, he sounds really nice. Then two days later i will begin Vipassana. No talking for 10 days again. I really enjoyed it last time and figure that if this time it is only half as good, I will still love it immensely!
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